Breaking Free from the Outside-In Narrative: How I Learned My Emotions Are My Own

Katherine Hood
Jul 13
4 min read

freedom to live life how you want to feel

For years, I lived like my emotions were at the mercy of everything around me.

If someone sent a cold text, I felt small.

If a meeting ran late, I felt overwhelmed.

If the sun refused to shine, so did I.

It was as if life had a remote control for my feelings, and I didn’t even realize it.

I thought this was just… life.

Isn’t that how we’re all taught it works?

Happiness is something we chase out there. Peace is something we hope others give us.

We’re told to “fix” our relationships, “manage” our circumstances, and “control” our environment so we can finally feel okay.

It made sense, until it didn’t.

The Outside-In Illusion

I used to describe it like this:

It felt like I was a leaf caught in the wind, tossed around by other people’s moods, the morning news, or the pile of unanswered emails staring at me.

I remember once spending an entire weekend replaying a short, blunt message from a friend. My stomach knotted every time I thought about it. Did I say something wrong? Are they upset?

Meanwhile, they were probably out shopping for groceries, not thinking about me at all.

This is what the outside-in perspective does. It convinces us:

My peace depends on them.
My mood depends on this.
My worth depends on that.

It’s no wonder we feel powerless.

The Turning Point

Then one day, in the quiet of my car after a particularly hard day, a thought floated up: "What if my feelings aren’t coming from life? What if they’re coming from me?"

I’d heard the phrase “happiness is an inside job” before. I’d even nodded along to it. But if I was honest? I didn’t really get it. I certainly didn't apply it in my life, in real time.

Wasn’t my supervisor’s tone making me angry?

Wasn’t the traffic making me tense?

Wasn’t my partner’s silence making me insecure?

Or… was something else happening?

Seeing the Truth

I started noticing little things.

On a sunny day, I’d feel light and cheerful, until a memory popped up and pulled me under.

On a stressful day, I’d feel anxious, until a funny text made me laugh out loud.

The sun didn’t change. The stressful situation didn’t evaporate.

The only thing that shifted was… my thinking.

It hit me like a wave:

I’m not feeling life. I’m feeling thought.

Befriending My Feelings

This realization didn’t make my emotions vanish. But it did change my relationship with them.

I stopped trying to control the world. Instead, I got curious about the world inside me.

When irritation showed up, I asked: "What’s the story I’m telling myself right now?"

When sadness visited, I said: "Hey, you’re here too. What do you want me to know?"

I stopped fighting my feelings. I stopped blaming and complaining about the world for them. And slowly, the fog began to lift.

Redefining Triggers

Here’s the thing about triggers: They’re not bad. They’re invitations.

That sharp email? It’s showing me where I’m still tender.

That unanswered call? It’s showing me where I crave reassurance.

That long line at the store? It’s showing me how easily I give away my peace.

Instead of seeing these moments as enemies, I started seeing them as teachers.

Forgiveness & Freedom

I also learned something surprising about forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing or condoning someone else’s behavior. It’s about refusing to let their behavior live rent-free in my nervous system.

It’s saying: "I choose my peace over my grudge."

It’s realizing: :If they never change, I can still be okay."

This shift felt like unclenching a fist I didn’t even know I was making.

Gratitude for the Small Stuff

On gray, rainy days that once weighed on me, I found myself appreciating the sound of rain on the roof, the warmth of my coffee mug in my hands.

In traffic, I turned off the radio and practiced breathing deeply.

Gratitude didn’t erase life’s challenges, it softened them. It reminded me there’s always a little light, even on the cloudy days.

Becoming the Captain

Here’s what I know now:

I can’t control the weather, other people, or traffic jams.

But I can steer my ship through stormy waters.

Resilience isn’t about avoiding emotion, it’s about remembering you’re bigger than any passing wave.

The Journey Never Ends

I'm still human. I still get caught in my stories sometimes. I still feel frustration, sadness, and fear. Life is about feeling all the emotions, the full spectrum, and understanding how to regulate them to get back to neutral quicker, faster, and with ease.

I don’t live in the darkness anymore. I don’t hand over my emotional health to the world outside me.

This inside-out understanding doesn’t make you invincible, it makes you free.

Free to feel. Free to recover. Free to lead yourself back to peace, over and over again.