Control Is Rarely About Power
- Katherine Hood
- Jan 4
- 7 min read
Control is more about fear trying to feel safe
People don’t wake up in the morning thinking, I’m going to control someone today. That’s not how control usually works.
Most control is non-conscious .Automatic. Protective.
It comes from fear, insecurity, or a desperate attempt to prevent pain that hasn’t even happened yet. It's from the lens of a person's past, stories, rules, assumptions, predictions, judgments, in summary, thoughts.
I was talking with my daughter about this the other day. We were laughing about how often people think they’re being helpful when they’re actually steering, nudging, or quietly tightening the reins on someone else’s life.
Not in an obvious way. Not in a villain way.
In a human way.
And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Control Isn’t Always Loud
When people hear the word control, they picture domination, evil, a dictator.
Shouting. Rules. Threats. Power plays.
That’s not what most control looks like in real life.
Most control is subtle. It’s the quiet pressure underneath the words. The strategic pause. The “I’m just saying this because I care.” The raised eyebrow. The sigh. The tone that says, Please do it my way so I can relax.
It’s the correction that comes disguised as guidance. The opinion that arrives wrapped in concern. The suggestion that carries emotional weight.
“You should…” “Have you thought about…” “I just worry that…” “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
None of that sounds aggressive.
And that’s the point.
Control works best when it doesn’t look like control.
Why Most People Don’t Know They’re Doing It
Here’s the part most conversations miss.
People who control rarely see themselves as controlling.
They see themselves as:
Being helpful
Being responsible
Being realistic
Being loving
Being protective
They believe they’re preventing harm. "Helping" you to avoiding mistakes. Keeping things from falling apart.
What they’re really doing is trying to regulate their own nervous system through someone else’s choices. "If they are ok, then I feel ok."
That’s not malicious.
That’s human.
When your internal world feels unsafe, your mind looks for something external to manage, control, change, direct, bend.
Someone else’s behavior and choices becomes the lever.
If they do it this way, I can relax. If they choose that, I’ll feel better. If they just listen, comply, adjust, change… I won’t feel so anxious.
Control is often an attempt to outsource emotional regulation.
The Cost of Unconscious Control
Control always has a cost.
Even when it’s subtle. Even when it’s well intentioned. Even when it comes from love.
It erodes trust and safety in the relationship.
It sends an unspoken message: “I don’t trust your judgment.” “I don’t trust your timing.” “I don’t trust you to handle the outcome.”
Over time, the person on the receiving end feels it.
They may not be able to name it. They just feel tense. Smaller. Less free. More cautious.
They start editing themselves. They second guess their, gut, wisdom and instincts. They explain more than necessary. They either comply to keep the peace or quietly pull away.
And then everyone wonders why the relationship feels strained.
Control in Relationships Doesn’t Look Like Control
In romantic relationships, control often hides behind care.
One partner worries more. Plans more. Reminds more. Manages more.
They track. They monitor. They anticipate problems before they exist.
The other partner feels watched, parented, scolded.
They feel like they’re always being assessed. Like there’s a right way and a wrong way to exist. This is heavy, for it tends to land like "Clearly, I am not good enough."
No one names it.
Instead, it turns into:
Resentment
Withdrawal
Defensiveness
Passive resistance
One person feels unsupported. The other feels smothered.
Both feel misunderstood. Both are miserable.
And the real issue never gets addressed.
Control in Families Is Even Trickier
Family control is often inherited, by conditioning, and what's modeled, or normalized.
It gets passed down as “this is just how we love.”
Advice given without permission. Expectations framed as concern. Disappointment used as a motivator.
Parents worry. Adult children comply or rebel. No one feels fully free.
And because family dynamics are emotional, control gets normalized.
“That’s just how she is.” “He means well.” “She worries because she loves you.”
Love doesn’t cancel out impact.
You can love someone deeply and still be controlling.
Control at Work Looks Professional
In professional settings, control gets praised.
Micromanagement dressed up as leadership. Oversight framed as excellence. Perfectionism sold as high standards.
The problem is not standards.
The problem is fear running the system.
Fear of mistakes .Fear of judgment. Fear of losing authority. Fear of things going wrong.
When fear leads, people tighten, and brace.
They hover. They correct. They rework others’ decisions. They don’t let people fully own outcomes.
Morale drops. Creativity dries up. People disengage. Trust erodes. Cultures crash.
And the leader wonders why no one takes initiative.
The Moment Everything Shifts
Here’s the twist that changes everything.
When you stop seeing control as a personal attack and start seeing it as fear in disguise, something loosens and softens up inside you.
You stop asking, What’s wrong with me?
You stop asking, Why don’t they trust me?
You start seeing the human behind the behavior.
A nervous system trying to feel safe. A mind trying to prevent loss. A person who doesn’t know how to settle internally.
This doesn’t mean you excuse harmful behavior, ever this isn't what I point to nor the body of work I support clients in.
It means you stop internalizing it.
And that’s where your freedom begins.
Freedom Isn’t About Fighting Control
Most people respond to control in one of two ways.
They submit.
Or they rebel.
Neither leads to peace, trust, or safety.
Submission breeds resentment.
Rebellion keeps you locked in the dynamic.
Freedom comes from something quieter.
Clarity.
When you see control clearly, you stop reacting automatically.
You pause.
You choose your response instead of being pulled into the pattern.
Sometimes that means setting a personal limit or boundary on your mental, emotional or physical energy.
Sometimes it means not explaining yourself.
Sometimes it means letting someone be uncomfortable.
And sometimes it means doing nothing at all.
When you are in integrity with yourself the answers become obvious.
Why Persona Boundaries Alone Aren’t Enough
A lot of people try to solve control with personal limits or boundaries alone.
Personal boundaries matter.
You can say the right words and still feel tense inside.
True freedom doesn’t come from managing others.
It comes from no longer needing their approval to feel steady.
When your internal system is settled, control loses its grip.
You don’t need to prove anything. You don’t need to argue. You don't need to become a dictator. You don’t need to convince.
Your actions start backing your truth naturally.
The Hidden Link Between Control and Identity
Here’s something rarely talked about.
Control is often tied to identity.
People control what they’re afraid to lose.
Their sense of being needed. Their role as the responsible one. Their image as the strong one. Their belief that they hold things together.
Letting go of control can feel like losing a part of yourself. (especially if it's been a habit or behavior for years or decades)
So people cling tighter.
Not because they want power. Because they don’t know who they are without the role. There's a huge shift in identity.
This is why change feels threatening to controlling people.
It destabilizes their sense of self.
What Happens When You Stop Playing Along
When you stop responding to non-conscious control by someone else the way you always have, things shift.
At first, it can get uncomfortable.
The controlling person may escalate. They may worry more. They may push harder.
That’s fear flaring. That's human, normal and natural.
If you stay grounded, something interesting happens.
The dynamic either recalibrates…Or it reveals what was actually holding the relationship together.
Both outcomes give you information.
Clarity always does.
Control and the Body
Control doesn’t just live in thoughts. We can't control our own thoughts, we certainly can't control another human beings.
Where to detect it first is the body.
Tight jaw. Held breath. Tense shoulders. Clenched stomach. Headaches. Poor posture.
When someone is trying to control, their body is already braced.
When someone is being controlled, their body responds.
This is why conversations about control often go nowhere.
They’re happening at the wrong level.
Regulation has to come first.
When the body settles, the need to control weakens.
The Quiet Power of Not Taking It Personally
Not taking control personally doesn’t make you passive.
It makes you precise.
You stop defending. You stop over explaining. You stop shrinking.
You speak when it matters. You move when it’s aligned, what's in integrity. You let the rest fall away. Letting go of rules, expectations, agendas, pressure, desires..
This is lived integrity.
Not perfection. Not compliance.
Wholeness.
When what you say you want, what you choose, and what you do line up, your system settles.
When You Are the One Controlling
This part matters.
If you recognize yourself in this, stay with me.
Not with shame. With honesty.
Most people who control are exhausted.
They’re carrying responsibility that isn’t theirs. They’re managing outcomes they can’t control. They’re trying to prevent feelings instead of allowing them.
Letting go doesn’t mean becoming careless.
It means trusting life more than your fear.
It means allowing others to have their own experiences.
It means realizing that peace doesn’t come from perfect conditions.
It comes from internal steadiness.
What Changes When Control Drops
When control loosens, relationships breathe.
People show up more honestly. Connection deepens. Respect grows.
You stop needing others to behave a certain way for you to be okay.
That’s real power.
Quiet. Grounded. Unshakeable.
A Final Reflection
Look at one place in your life where control shows up.
Not the obvious kind. The subtle kind.
Where pressure replaces trust. Where fear tries to manage outcomes. Where calm feels dependent on someone else’s choices.
Now ask yourself:
What shifts when you see the fear underneath instead of taking it personally?
That question alone can change how free you feel.
And freedom always starts inside.
If this stirred something you couldn’t quite name, you don’t need to figure it out alone. This is the kind of work I do with people every day, helping them see patterns clearly and come back to themselves without force.
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