What If We Listened to Understand Instead of Defend

Katherine Hood
Jun 29
6 min read

Most arguments aren’t about what was said, they’re about what wasn’t understood.

This quote highlights the common pitfalls in our daily conversations. Disagreements with partners, friends, or coworkers often arise from a fundamental breakdown in communication.

Changing Our Perspective

In a world where we often jump to conclusions and expect the worst, it’s important to realize that many of our conflicts come from how we interpret what others say, not just the words themselves.

From Accusations to Understanding

Instead of saying something like, “You never listen,” how about we try asking, “Can you help me understand what feels off here?” This simple shift in our approach can turn arguments into chances for growth and deeper connections.

Enhancing Communication Through Mindset Shift

By shifting our mindset, we can create a more open dialogue and strengthen our relationships. Let's prioritize understanding one another instead of reacting, forming conclusions, making assumptions, or casting judgments. By moving away from guessing and projecting our thoughts onto others, we can create a more empathetic and constructive, collaborative environment for communication.

Understanding Communication Breakdown

Communication breakdown occurs when discussions devolve into misunderstandings or defensiveness. Each person believes they are right and often forgets the real purpose of dialogue: connection.

Defensiveness is the first act of war.

Understanding the Listening Trap

Listening to defend rather than to understand is a common pitfall in communication. Instead of fully absorbing what the other person is saying, we often find ourselves formulating our response in our minds. This approach creates a cycle in which neither party truly feels heard, escalating tensions and deepening divisions. Ultimately, it drives a wedge into the relationship, resembling a tug of war where both sides are pulling away rather than coming together.

Breaking the Cycle

To foster healthier communication, it is essential to prioritize understanding over defending. By actively listening and engaging with empathy, we can create a more constructive dialogue that strengthens relationships rather than undermines them. Holding onto any of your thoughts, opinions, stories, or input until the other person feels fully heard.

For instance, studies show that nearly 70% of conflicts could be resolved if individuals felt heard and understood. Reflect on a past disagreement. Were you focused on understanding the other person, or were you preparing to defend your position?

The Real Problem is Meaning

A significant insight into communication breakdown is recognizing that what we perceive as the problem often isn’t the real issue. The true problem lies in the meaning we attach to the words or actions of others.

Consider a scenario where a friend forgets to call when they said they would. You may feel hurt or neglected. However, the core issue might not be the oversight itself but the meaning you assign to it: “I’m not important” or “They don’t care about me.” These thoughts WILL cloud judgment and lead to miscommunication.

What If We Changed Our Approach?

Instead of attributing blame, what if we approached these situations with curiosity? When discussions heat up and a disagreement seems imminent, try pivoting your language from accusations to questions.

For example, instead of saying, “You never listen,” consider asking, “Can you help me understand what that means?” This approach opens the door for dialogue and reflection.

Arguments as Maps

It’s essential to view arguments as informative tools rather than failures. Each disagreement can be seen as a map, pointing us to areas worth exploring together. Embracing conflict can lead to deeper understanding and stronger friendships.

When you engage with curiosity, you often discover that underlying issues relate to shared values, fears, or desires. The argument shifts from determining who is right to exploring what truly matters, fostering growth from the experience.

Embracing Curiosity

Let's explore how to invite curiosity into our conversations. When a discussion starts veering toward defensiveness, pause and ask, “Help me understand what feels missing here.” This simple yet impactful question opens the door to vulnerability and openness.

Practicing Active Listening

Active listening is crucial to this approach. It means not just hearing words but truly understanding the emotional layers behind them.

Here’s how you can practice active listening:

Focus fully on the speaker. Avoid distractions. Quiet your mind completely.
Reflect back what you hear to clarify understanding. For example, “What I’m hearing is… what else am I missing or misunderstanding?”
Ask open-ended questions to deepen understanding. For instance, “What was that like?”

When both parties engage in active listening, arguments become less intimidating. They turn into opportunities for collaboration, exploration, and connection.

Understanding Empathy in Relationships

Empathy is all about really connecting with others. It means putting yourself in someone else's shoes, feeling what they feel, and seeing things from their point of view. It's not just about feeling sorry for someone (that’s sympathy); empathy is about truly understanding and sharing in another person's feelings and experiences. While sympathy might give you a quick emotional reaction, it doesn’t create a lasting bond. On the other hand, empathy helps build a strong connection that can handle the ups and downs of relationships.

When your partner is upset, it’s important to respond with empathy instead of taking it personally. Instead of getting defensive, try to acknowledge how they feel. You could say something like, "I can see you’re upset," which shows you care about their feelings and validates them. After that, it’s also important to share your own feelings in a constructive way. Balancing empathy with expressing your own feelings helps both of you communicate openly, so neither person feels dismissed or belittled.

Creating a space for open conversation is key to healthy communication in any relationship. When both partners feel heard and respected, it makes it easier to work through conflicts together. Relationships are a dance, lead with the energetic tone you're wanting reflected back (without expectation). This not only strengthens your emotional bond but also encourages understanding and respect for each other. Over time, practicing empathy can lead to a deeper emotional connection, where both partners feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities without worrying about being judged.

In the end, building empathy in your relationships is a powerful way to enhance your connection, promote healing, and help you both tackle challenges together.

Moving Beyond Defensiveness

Being aware of your triggers is essential in navigating arguments. Understanding what makes you defensive can help you sidestep potential conflicts.

Reminder your triggers are for you to navigate, heal, repair, and solve, not to dictate others to tip toe around.

When you sense defensiveness rising, take a moment to breathe. Remind yourself of your goal: understanding. This pause allows you to calm your emotions and refocus on the conversation. Studies suggest that using this simple breathing technique can reduce impulsive reactions by 40%.

Seek help from someone like me to navigate your triggers, and become un-triggerable.

Cultivating a Communication Culture

In both personal and professional relationships, creating a culture of open communication can lead to healthier interactions. Consistently practice the principles discussed above.

Begin by setting the tone for conversations. Share your commitment to listening and understanding, encouraging others to do the same.

Tips for Creating a Communication-Positive Environment

Encourage a no-blame policy: Share feelings without attributing fault. (no more complaining or blaming)
Model active listening: Exhibit attentive behavior that shows how to listen. Lead by example and model this behavior, reminder all relationships are a dance, lead!

The Rewards of Understanding

When we shift from defending to understanding, the benefits become clear.

Healthy communication is rather simple.

Listening to understand strengthens our relationships and builds trust. Discussing differences fosters intimacy and encourages the sharing of experiences that ultimately build connections. Listen to learn or hear something new in every conversation, I believe everyone comes into our life to teach us something, look for it!

Embracing Deeper Conversations

The next time you encounter a disagreement, consider asking, “Help me understand what feels missing here,” and watch how the dialogue evolves. Everyone desires to feel heard, seen, and valued. Take the opportunity to lead by offering the gift of understanding to someone else. Allow your inner dialogue and ego to take a backseat, creating space for meaningful connection and insight.