Something That Has Massively Destroyed Our Mental Health

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I saw a post the other day that simply said:

“ Comment below on something that has massively destroyed your mental health.”

No explanation. No context. Just that sentence.

And then the comments poured in.

Hundreds of people answered. Quickly. Honestly. Raw.

They didn’t hesitate.

They wrote things like:

Abandonment. My ex. Cancer. Being cheated on. Losing my parents. My child’s suicide. Toxic people. My marriage. The past five years. Begging to be heard.

Reading the thread felt heavy. Not because the pain was shocking, but because it was familiar. And something important stood out immediately.

Almost no one named a feeling.

They named a person. An event. A circumstance. A relationship. A season of life.

That observation alone tells us more about mental health than most articles ever will.

What We Think Is Breaking Us

When people talk about mental health being “destroyed,” they usually point outward. This is important to recognize, and I see it everyday in the work I do with my clients.

This happened to me. They did this t me. I lost that. Life went wrong there.

That makes sense.

The human mind wants a cause.

Something concrete it can blame.

Something it can trace the pain back to.

It feels grounding to say, “This is why.” This thing out there, no me, them!

But here’s the quieter truth most people never hear, and we aren't taught.

What hurts us long-term is rarely the event itself.

It is what our nervous system learned to expect after the event was over.

That distinction changes everything.

The Moment Is Over. The Protection Isn’t.

Two people can live through the same loss and walk away with completely different internal lives.

This isn't stated to compare it's to point towards what creates our reality, our experience of our life, it's inside our thoughts, imagination, in the animation or movie in our mind, that's it, that simple.

Not to blame, to shift from being a victim to your life to becoming the hero in your life. Not condoning pour behavior of others, it's to open up a new way of being, being at peace towards the things you can not control.

For example:

One person grieves; their feelings loosen over time and eventually soften again.

The other stays tense years later., guarded, bitter, resentful, on edge and exhausted by life.

The difference is not strength. It is not resilience. It is not mindset. It is not white knuckling through it. It is whether the body ever learned that the danger passed, safety is restored.

People think the pain proves something terrible happened.

Often, it just means the system never learned it was safe again.

It is the smoke alarm that never stops ringing. The muscle that never unclenches. The mind that keeps watch long after it is needed.

This is why time alone does not heal everything.

Time does not teach safety.

Insight does.

Why So Many Different Stories Lead to the Same Pain

Here's another look at the comments under that post.

They seem unrelated on the surface.

Cancer and divorce. Grief and betrayal. Abuse and neglect. Job loss and family conflict.

Different lives. Different details.

But underneath, the same experiences repeat.

“I was not protected.” “I was not chosen.” “I was not seen.” “I was alone with something too big.” “I learned to stay alert.” “I learned not to relax.”

That is the real common denominator.

Not the event. The internal conclusion.

When those conclusions go unquestioned, the body lives as if the loss is still happening now. The brain stays in hypervigilance or survival mode, that switch is left on until the pattern is disrupted. Most people don't even know they are in flight, flight, freeze, fawn.. until they are fed up and find someone like me to support them in creating a life they feel safe in again.

Underneath the labels or numbness (anxiety, depression, overthinking, hypervigilance) is a system that learned something once and never updated the file.

The Comment That Said Everything in One Line

Buried in the thread was a simple comment:

“Begging to be heard.”

That one sentence explains half the list.

Because when someone feels unseen long enough, anything can break them.

A relationship. A diagnosis. A betrayal. A silence.

Not because those things are unbearable, but because they land on a system that is already depleted.

People do not break from one event.

They break from carrying too much alone for too long.

Death by 1,000 cuts.

Why “Toxic People” Shows Up Everywhere

“Toxic people” appeared again and again in the comments.

That phrase deserves a closer look.

Often, “toxic people” is not about villains. It is shorthand for something more tender.

I did not know how to leave without guilt. I over-functioned to stay connected. I absorbed what was not mine. I did not trust my own personal boundaries yet. I learned to stay quiet to keep the peace.

Those are not flaws.

Those are adaptations.

People learn patterns that help them survive emotionally at one point in life. Then those same patterns become painful later on. They stay in situations too long because of the fear of the unknown far exceeds what's familiar.

The nervous system does not know the difference between past and present. It only knows what it learned kept connection intact.

Until insight enters the picture.

The Cost of Believing the Event Is the Cause

When people believe the event destroyed them, something quietly happens. They start to see themselves as damaged.

They think they should be “over it” by now. They wonder what is wrong with them. They feel ashamed that they still react. They become identified with being broken and often seek out others that think and believe the same, further reinforcing this pattern and habit of thought.

That thought-belief loop keeps people stuck.

Because if the event is the cause, then healing feels impossible unless the past changes.

And the past never does. It's over, no one has a time machine that I am aware of.

The past will either destroy you, define you or strengthen you, this blog, and no pill will dissolve it. Choose wisely these three options will determine your well-being and quality of life going forward.

when people see that their suffering is coming from learned protection that no longer fits the present, relief finally can enter the room.

Not because the pain was imaginary.

Because it finally makes sense.

Also because they can release the old story and take ownership and responsibility for the next phase or chapter of their life.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Healing does not mean forgetting. It does not mean reframing everything into positivity. It does not mean reliving pain until it loses charge.

Healing looks like this:

The moment you realize your reactions are not proof of damage. are proof of intelligence.

Your brilliant system did exactly what it was designed to do.

It protected you. It adapted. It learned patterns to survive emotionally.

And now, with conscious awareness, those patterns can soften, lose the grip they once had on you.

Not through force. Through understanding.

When the mind sees clearly, the body follows.

The Truth Most Mental Health Conversations Miss

What destroys mental health is not loss.

It is living as if the loss is still happening now. Over and over and over again in our active imagination.

That is why people feel exhausted even during calm moments. Why they brace for conversations that never go badly. Why their chest tightens without reason. Why they feel numb during moments that should feel safe.

Their system never got the memo that the danger passed.

Once that is seen, something shifts.

The body does not need convincing. It needs clarity.

You Are Not Broken, Never Were

If you saw yourself in those comments, nothing is wrong with you.

Your pain makes sense. Your reactions make sense. Your exhaustion makes sense.

You are not behind. You are not weak. You are not failing at healing.

You adapted to something real.

And now you get to learn something new.

That safety is possible again. That presence is not dangerous. That the moment you are in is not the moment that hurt you.

That reminder is not forced. It arrives quietly, through insight. And when it does, the system finally begins to stand down.

Not because life became perfect.

Because you are no longer living in a past moment that already ended.

If this landed, pause for a moment. Nothing needs fixing right now. Just notice what your system has been protecting you from, long after the moment passed.

If you’re curious about learning how to listen to that without judgment or force, my work lives there. Reach out to me.